***"Boyfriendize": verb 1. the act of trying to (unconsciously or consciously) force a man into a predetermined role characterized by some level of commitment and/or a romantic relationship
If I'm brutally honest with myself,
when I examine my past relationships with men, I realize that they
all seem to follow a very specific pattern. I meet a guy, discover
that I “like like” him, then consciously and unconsciously try to
pressure him into accepting my preconceived notions of how we should
interact. I essentially try to “boyfriendize” him. My mind has
had trouble grasping the idea that it's possible to “like like”
someone and not be “meant” to be together in the romantic sense.
Consequently, I end up pushing men away completely because they are
unwilling or unable to fulfill my ridiculous expectations. Instead
of taking an honest look at the way my behaviors have perpetuated
this cycle, I have traditionally projected all responsibility for the
way things end up onto them. “They were no good.” They just
weren't ready for a relationship.” “They're not meant to be in my
life.” It's only recently that I'm beginning to realize that the
issue may not necessarily always be the men but the framework I've
used to understand and interpret my interactions with them
For reasons that haven't completely
been revealed to me, I have held the belief that men are either
lovers, friends (only if there's absolutely no type of attraction) or
nothing. Obviously, this is a simplified version of a very complex
thought pattern but I think you get my point. Even as I write this,
I cringe at how pathetic it sounds and can't help but wonder where it
came from. Part of me wants to believe it's just the hopeless
romantic in me but the part of me that seeks truth, understands that
it's linked to something deeper. And in speaking with my girl
friends, I know that I'm not alone in this way of thinking. My friends and I have talked a lot about the “gray” areas of life lately; those spaces that don't seem to quite fit our schema of how things should operate in the world. Recently, we've been trying to process the gray area that exists between romantic relationships and platonic friendships.
This post is more exploratory than explanatory but I
have to wonder, How and why have we been socialized to believe that
such a dichotomy exists? What are the long term effects on our
relationships with men? Is being unable to recognize and accept the
various shapes, flavors and forms that interactions with men come in
effectively locking us out out of some great experiences?
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