Socially Constructed Love

I will be the first to admit that I was completely invested in the fairy tale image of love. As a little girl, I dreamed of finding my Prince Charming, a man who would scoop me off my feet and carry me off into the sunset to live happily ever after. Lately though, I've pretty much rejected this image as unrealistic and question whether it's even an ideal I'd like to pursue.

I wouldn't say that I've become cynical but I have to wonder whether we're all completely missing the mark. In our society, the “highest” level on the romantic relationship hierarchy seems to be sex and marriage. However, many individuals who have made it to the “top” and experienced what it is that we're supposed to be striving for, don't seem to be any happier or more fulfilled than the rest of us. In fact, marriage and sex have become so diluted of meaning that people are opting not to go that route and those who do, are jumping ship in ridiculous numbers. Just look at the divorce rates.

It makes me wonder, if it hasn't “worked” for so many others, why would I be so arrogant to think that I would be any better at it; that my relationship would somehow possess a quality that would allow it to thrive where others have failed? And why are so many others failing, anyway? Is there something wrong with us as a whole? Or, is the whole way we've defined romantic relationships inherently flawed? Do the requirements of exclusivity contradict the free and open expression of love in its purest form?

In other words, is love limited only by the confines of our mortal minds?

My friend and I had this conversation last night and in nerd like fashion, we explored the socially constructed nature of relationships. The idea that one man and one woman commit to each other in the name of love is time and space specific. This is not a universal truth that is accepted and endorsed by everyone in the world. There are and always have been alternative conceptualizations of what romantic relationships can and should be (ie. gay couples, polygamous communities, arranged marriages etc).

I just can't help wondering if there's something more. My friend called me New Age-y but I truly believe there are untapped spiritual dimensions to be explored in the context of our relationships with other people. It gives me some hope. Instead of thinking that there is a glass ceiling that all couples eventually hit, I like to believe that we've only scratched the surface of possibilities.     

Pack Light

As I sit in the midst of a pile of junk on my bedroom floor, it dawns on me that I have way too much crap. It's not like this is a new revelation. I've know this for some time.  But, trying to figure out what goes and what stays for my move out of the country makes me realize even more how valuable space really is. The loads of crap start crowding in on me and I can't breath...

Everything has to go...EVERYTHING.  

I'm reminded of the Erykah Badu song, "Bag Lady" a song of empowerment that encourages women to rid themselves of the emotional baggage they carry around. As I begin this journey, I know that I shouldn't carry old patterns and ways of being into this new phase of my life.  

I start with the books.  I scan the titles and realize that there is a common theme; "Don't Text That Man," "Getting Over a Bad Breakup," "Love Horoscopes." All of these represent my obsession with romantic relationships and the underlying belief that I will never find a successful one.  

They have to go.

I look around at all the clothes and shoes bought during one compulsive spending spree or another hoping that they would fill a void or ease the tension.  Neither ever happened for any length of time worth mentioning.  

They have to go. 

The various pieces of hair, makeup and jewelry remind me of the multiple ways I wanted to recreate myself into something and somebody more desirable.  

All of it has to go. 

I create tiny piles around myself and things start to look a bit more manageable.  

It's not perfect, but at least it's a start. 

Intuition and Fear

My friend and I like to have what we call "couch therapy sessions." I don't really know how we came up with the name, they never really involve a couch. Typically we're walking around the neighborhood discussing men and relationships, intimacy and all other matters of the heart. The conversations are generally balanced between her practical approach to love and my...well...less practical, romanticized, idealistic approach.

Today we were talking about the relationship my friend had entered into with a man she had only known for a short period of time; completely out of character for her.  She was starting to feel that the relationship was moving too fast and beginning to doubt her decision.  She didn't know if she was just afraid because he was exposing parts of herself that she had kept hidden...or if her instinct was warning her to leave this man alone.

Though I was unable to offer much guidance, I could totally relate. I've been trying for some time to wrap my mind around the difference between intuition and fear.  They both seem to operate in similar fashion, coinciding closely with major decisions, transitions or changes in life. I haven't quite figured it out but here are some statements that ring true to me:

After making a decision based on intuition, you feel a sense of peace and "knowing."
Example: I wavered back and forth about quitting my "practical" job and moving to Chicago to pursue my passion for several months.  Finally, I submitted my resignation letter and immediately felt that I had made the right decision.

Intuition is often supported by other events and circumstances. 
Example:  After I committed to the decision to quit, opportunities and experiences presented themselves in ways that supported me.  I found the perfect temporary position that allowed me to develop my skills, build my confidence and meet powerful people in the industry.

Conversely, making a decision based on fear alone does not feel good. Even afterwards, you might continue to have negative feelings about it. 
Example: Thinking back to my relationship with the southern gent, I can now see that my decision to run away was based on my fear of intimacy. Even now, I question whether I made the "right" decision.

How do you define fear? intimacy? How do you tell the difference?

Pseudo Parenthood

My little cousin peered around the corner looking for signs of movement. With her attention focused elsewhere, she didn't notice her brother creep up behind her like a ninja and shoot her in the back. Her vest lit up. It took awhile for her to realize what happened and he continued to shoot at her until she finally accepted that she had been hit. She grinned, showing a cute little dimpled smile with one tooth missing. She then shot him back and ran away giggling deliriously.

I watched them play laser tag from behind the glass window and felt my heart fill with such joy and absolute love for these kids. As a pseudo parent, I've had the privilege of watching them grow and evolve and they've taught me so many things along the way. Today's lessons:

It's OK to be silly.

Laughing is free.

Life shouldn't be taken so seriously.

The Survey

I'm conducting a survey based on the following statement:

“I like him a lot so I don’t want to sleep with/be intimate with him. I want it to grow into something more."

1. What is your opinion of this statement?

2. Have you ever said or thought this about someone? 

3. What were the circumstances?

4. What's the nature of your interaction with that person now?

To weigh in anonymously, Click here to take survey  

The Southern Gent

For some reason I can't stop thinking about a dude I dated briefly while in Chicago several months ago.  I had met him online and we hung out for about a  month before things went south.  In the grand scheme of things, a month is not a long time in the dating world. But for me, it was longer than I had allowed myself to date the same guy since my last relationship. Usually I'm quick to find something wrong with men so that I can have a reason to push them away.

I tried that in the beginning with this man.  He said or did something I didn't like and my first impulse was to shut him out as I'm prone to do.  Around the same time I was also dating another guy and remembered a text conversation where he called me "erratic because of my conscious decisions to shut people out."  It hurt mainly because I knew it was true.

I decided to express my concerns to Guy #1 before completely breaking contact with him.  He was extremely receptive and we agreed that if I was ever feeling like running away from him, I would try to talk with him about it first. I liked him and that's probably why I eventually did push him away for good.

He was the epitome of a southern gentleman. He opened doors, paid for everything and and pursued me; something I was not used to.  We supported each other's goals and it wasn't unusual for me to get a text from him saying that he was proud of me for stepping outside of my comfort zone in a particular area. I did the same for him and we actually began talking about building and growing together.  It was too much for me.

Our final conversation was an argument about me feeling uncomfortable about the fact he was starting to feel "too much like boyfriend".  The boundaries (I had drawn) were being crossed and I was scared as shit.  Instead of focusing on that fear, I flipped it around on him and dismissed him from my life for "not being able to validate my emotions."  Even in the midst of my bitchiness and complete craziness, he still offered to drive me to my car and opened the car door for me.  I gave him back the socks he had let me wear because my feet were cold and drove home.

In hindsight I realize that I didn't given him the chance to validate my feelings because I wasn't willing to admit them to myself let alone to him.  Instead of admitting that I was afraid, I attacked him.  His defensive response gave me the reason I needed to exit.  Although I might not be meant to talk to him ever again, his memories have revealed a lesson and an area of myself that I need to heal.  

The Presentation

Yesterday I talked to a group of low income students about finding money to pay for college. My presentation started out kind of rocky. I was super nervous and my voice reflected it. As I was talking, one of the girls in the back rolled her eyes and put her head down. sigh. I continued painfully through the material, reading off the paper, not making sufficient eye contact and speaking too fast.

 I had almost lost them completely until I got to the part about scholarships and said, "Let me tell you how I went to college for free." That got their attention for sure. I began telling the story of how I had spent hours and hours researching various scholarship opportunities while in high school and had been awarded enough money to cover the costs of attending an expensive and prestigious university and then some. I told them that it was possible for them to do the same and gave them tips and strategies for making it happen.

 The more I spoke, the more they listened. The more they listened, the more passionate I became. My voice took on a melodic lilt that fascinated me. I noticed that the energy of the room had changed. Everything seemed to have slowed down. There was a stillness that seemed to cocoon us all, a silent power permeating the air.

 I looked each one of the students in the eyes and instead of breaking eye contact, they looked back at me almost as if they were hypnotized. Smiles appeared on their faces and I realized that my presentation was no longer just about giving them information about financial aid. I had found a way to truly connect with them on a deeper, spiritual level.

 What I saw shining through their eyes was hope, inspiration, but most importantly, the belief that going to college was a possibility for them. This realization is huge for students who are being "educated" in one of the worst school districts in the nation and live in neighborhoods where models of academic success and achievement are virtually non-existent. Yesterday I made a difference and it was an amazing feeling.

The Exorcism

A couple days ago, I wrote about ending the cycle of co-dependent relationships. Remember the guy I wrote about in that post? Well, he called me yesterday to help with a children's mental health fair and I literally dropped everything to help him. As bad as it may sound, it wasn't the kids that moved me to immediate action.  It was the thought that he needed me. I needed to be needed, just like I warned you guys about. Sigh.  I thought that I had evolved past him and past this. Who was I kidding?

I think I feel even worse about allowing myself to get sucked back in because I know better.  I'm not ignorant of the fact that this relationship is and will always be unhealthy for me.  I know this. I KNOW THIS!  But, I still allowed myself to believe that it might not be true despite the multiple clues to indicate otherwise. This is craziness....pure and utter insanity.  Since I'd like to consider myself to be a sane person, I've decided that I must be possessed. Yep, that's it.  I must take drastic measures to remove this man from my spirit.

Let the exorcism begin...

1. I am notifying all friends and asking them to refuse to discuss this man or this situation with me.  If I become persistent, they are authorized to be mean, rude and brutally honest.

2. Although his number was already deleted from my phone (we all know how well that works), I am re-saving it as "HE DON'T WANT YOU" to remind myself every time he attempts to make contact.

3. I am re-committing to no contact no matter how guilty, angry, crazy, sad, or wishy-washy I may seem or feel.

Are You Listening?

I had to break the silence that seemed to stretch on forever. “Are you still there?” I asked, although I knew he was. He responded by saying something about wanting to see how long the silence would last. Whatever.

“It makes me uncomfortable” I told him, immediately wishing I hadn't said it and wondering where it came from. He asked why of course and another unanticipated response flew out of my mouth.

“I feel like you're not listening to me,” I replied.

I quickly attempted to joke it off. I mentioned something about not knowing what was going on on the other end of the phone; that he could be dead and I couldn't be the last one talking to him. It wouldn't be good for my reputation. But, the encounter stuck with me and showed up in my Morning Pages today.

I knew that he had heard me. There was no reason why he wouldn't have. But for me, feeling like I'm being listened to involves some degree of validation. I need to know that my thoughts, feelings and ideas are being understood and accepted.

Prior to this exchange we had been talking about online dating and I shared some things that left me feeling pretty vulnerable. I was wide open. This is not a feeling I'm typically comfortable with (especially in my dealings with men) so in the space of silence, my insecurities became almost unbearable. This has happened many times before with other people and in other conversations. It had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with my difficulty in accepting my own feelings.

I read somewhere that women tend to qualify their statements more than men.  Built into our form of communication, is the implicit belief that what we're saying isn't valid in its own right. We need the tacit approval from others. But when we look to others too much, we are relinquishing a certain degree of personal power and are setting ourselves up for frustration, disappointment and unhappiness.

Take back that power by...

Learning to listen to and validate yourself.

Embracing the silence.

Clearly communicating what you need from others.

Think about the last conversation you had with someone. Did you feel listened to? Why or why not? What do you need to feel like you've been truly listened to? Comment below!

3 Ways to Become a Passion Detective

The moment I realized I had a passion for helping others achieve greatness was life changing. All at once, everything clicked and my life had a renewed sense of purpose and vigor. I used to sleep in late, now passion is my alarm clock. But, it's been difficult to clearly define what I mean when I say I want to help others.

Technically, I've been in the industry of helping people since I graduated with a degree in Psychology. I've been a Crisis Counselor, a Big Sister, an Academic Counselor, and a Violence Prevention Coordinator. While all of these roles were interesting and fulfilling in their own ways, I've never really felt that any of them consistently energized and excited me. I began feeling hopeless and unfocused thinking that looking for the "perfect" job was an idealistic waste of time. I began to think that perhaps I just wasn't disciplined enough to follow any one thing through; that maybe I was irresponsible or lazy.

I wallowed in my own funk for awhile until I came across several women entrepreneurs who completely changed my perspective, Tiphani Montgomery and Marie Forleo. These women made me realize that it is possible to merge passion and income, that seeking something I'm truly passionate about is not a waste of time. Instead of viewing my previous jobs as failures, I began to analyze them for clues to my true passion. Doing so allowed me to see that the underlying theme throughout them all wasn't just helping people in a generic sense. I discovered that I am truly passionate the moment I look into someones eyes after I've helped them realize they have power beyond what their limited thoughts have allowed them to believe. That's the moment I live for. That is my true purpose. My goal now is to create many more moments like that. Here's how you can too:

 Make a list of your previous jobs, opportunities and experiences: For each one, write down moments where you truly felt alive, present and connected. What were you doing? Who was there? What did it feel like? Be as specific as possible.

 Look for themes: Search your list for reoccurring words and ideas. Do you find that you're most alive when you're around children? Does writing invigorate you when you've had a long day at work? Did you find that you invested more time and energy in one particular thing?

 Find ways to incorporate more of that into your life: The commonalities you found running through your previous experiences give you clues as to what you are truly passionate about. Spend more time doing those things and less time doing things you can't stand. Most people will tell you that following your passion is selfish. They will tell you that you should be more realistic and focus on something that is "practical." Perhaps you even tell yourself these things but today, I'd like to offer you a different way of thinking. You are a unique bundle of values, ideas, strengths and experiences. Even in a world with so many people, there is no one like you. Think about that for a moment. You have a unique gift. Someone, somewhere will benefit from and be blessed by what you have to offer. Following your passion is the least selfish gift you can give to the world.

3 Insights from The Intuition Challenge

Now that The 24 Hour Intuition Challenge has concluded, I'd like to share some insights I gained throughout the process:

• Following your intuition sometimes leads to outcomes that have nothing to do with you. I was reminded that we are all interconnected.  Sometimes when we're led to take action, it's for the benefit of others around us.  My decision to create the challenge caused one of my friends to evaluate her life and take a drastic step in determining if it was where and what she wanted it to be. 

• Listening to your intuition can be uncomfortable at times. Your intuition will push you to take actions that will force you to grow.  They won't always be pleasant. They can be scary, challenging and they may not make any sense to you. Do them anyway. I was led to create a YouTube video for an online competition.  I am extremely self conscious and it took me a million takes to be OK with the finished product.  I was then led to post it on FaceBook, which involved another level of exposure and vulnerability.  Whether I win the competition or not, I can say I pushed past my fears and insecurities in a major way. 

• You must remain open at all times and act immediately when moved. It's true that life constantly presents unlimited opportunities.  However, simply being open to them is not enough.  You must take immediate action when insight or intuition compels you to do so.  Intuition doesn't operate within a defined schedule and doesn't care about interrupting things like work, sleep or other commitments and responsibilities.  I've often been compelled to wake up out of my sleep to complete a writing project. When the spirit moves you, submit to it and watch the amazing things that happen in your life.  

Where did your intuition lead you? What insights did you gain? Share them below!

No Degree of Separation

No matter how much time passes, watching footage of Hurricane Katrina still breaks my heart. The response (or lack thereof) to the tragedy is a direct representation of just how separated we have allowed ourselves to become from one another. When I see images and videos of people who have lost everything that once defined them in the physical world; I see an expression of humanity in its rawest form. I see myself. I've written before about the immunity we've developed to human suffering before. At that time, I issued a challenge, look into the eyes of those you interact with on a daily basis. Attempt to truly connect with those around you. We can only begin to address human suffering in its many forms when we refuse to turn a blind eye.

3 Precious Quarters

I made my first $.75 off my blog yesterday and it feels so good! It took me about 2 days of research, 8 hours to re-design my blog, 4 hours to figure out AdSense and it has been 4 years in the making, but it finally happened. For me, writing has never been about making money. I write because I'm passionate about it. I write to stay sane. But, last night was one of those life changing, paradigm shifting moments. The $.75 represents the possibility of doing what I love and turning it into my livelihood. I finally allowed myself to believe that this (writing) is not just some hobby. I have made (and spent) plenty of money over the years but none of it has meant more than the 3 quarters I made last night. They represent possibility, belief and passion. I promise not to spend them all in one place ;-D

The Biggest Lie I tell myself is..

...that I don't have what it takes to make a career out of writing. I often find myself thinking that maybe I should find a "respectable" job with benefits and a pension. But even the thought of that depresses me. My love and passion for writing cannot be denied but my faith in myself... sigh...needs some work. The biggest lie I tell myself is that I don't have what it takes a make a career of writing. The truth is...the only thing keeping me from succeeding is me.

The 24 Hour Intuition Challenge

Last night my friends and I drove around for about an hour looking for something to do (small town problems). We finally decided to go to a bar that was having its grand opening that evening. We approached the building and an overwhelming feeling of dread washed over my body.  It was so powerful that I literally shuddered in the car.  My friend started looking for parking and in an uncharacteristic move, I refused to go inside. Even I was surprised and a little bit embarrassed by my strong reaction. I could tell I had made them uncomfortable and that they really wanted to go inside, so I offered to wait in the car.  In the end, we decided to leave and call it a night.  Although my reaction caused some tension, I was much more concerned with what might happen if I ignored my gut feeling.

Have you ever felt the urge to return to your house to make sure your back door was locked?

...drive a different way to work?

...entered a room and wanted to leave immediately?

...met a person that set off all kinds of bells and alarms off in your head?  

That was your intuition speaking to you.  

Intuition expresses itself as a feeling that guides you to; either take some action, avoid places and people or even to connect with experiences and individuals that will move you forward and cause you to grow. 

We have been trained to ignore it, to disregard it and even aggressively suppress it.

But today, I'm asking you to welcome, accept and follow it with an open heart.    

I challenge you to The 24 Hour Intuition Challenge!

• For the next 24 hours, I want you to follow every gut feeling you have even if it seems crazy or bizarre.  (If your gut tells you to spin around 3 times before you enter a room, do it!)
• At the end of 24 hours, come back here and share your experiences.  
• Encourage another person to take the challenge with you.
• Keep an open mind and an open heart.

Ready, set...go!

   

3 Ways to Fix a Bad Mood

From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, I could tell I was in a bad mood. I could feel the negativity simmering in my body. I knew I was irritable when I found myself consciously searching my mind for things to be pissed about. I wanted nothing other to stay in bed all day and cloak myself in the comfort of my self induced misery. Instead, I decided to get up and write this post. Hope it helps.

1. Change your physical orientation. Are you sitting, standing up, or laying down? Whatever you're doing while you're upset, try doing something else. Moving around and being somewhere different can help you remove yourself from the negative space you find yourself in. For me, it was forcing myself to get out of bed.
   
   
2. Avoid other people if possible. If you're anything like me, you're annoying to be around when you're angry or upset. Other people have told me that I emote, which means that whatever emotions I'm feeling electrify the air around me and rub off on other people. For that reason (and because I don't want to cuss anybody out), I choose to stay away from people. If you can't avoid others, keep your head down and mouth shut until you're able to interact without getting yourself into trouble. 
   
   
3. Allow yourself to ride the wave of negativity for awhile. Negative emotions are a part of life. There is nobody anywhere that will be happy all the time. If there is, something is definitely wrong with them. It may seem counterintuitive, but it's OK to be upset sometimes. Give yourself permission to be angry but put a time limit on it. You get to be as angry, unpleasant, grouchy, childish, unreasonable and negative as you want. Cherish the sweet woefulness of it because when that “timer” goes off, you need to get your butt up and go do something productive.

Spiritual Dream Interpretation

Last night I dreamt that my best friend brought a pit bull in my mother's house.  She tied it up but for some reason, it kept breaking free and ending up in what used to be my room as a child.  I was terrified and angry with my friend for not taking my fear seriously.  I commanded her several times to take the dog outside but her actions were slow and deliberate suggesting she was in no hurry to comply.  All the while my mother slept.  My body tense, I tried to anticipate the pitbull's every move so that I could protect myself and those around me.  Occasionally, she would run into my mother's room and several times, I risked my own safety to protect her.  All the while, my mother slept on.  The dog pissed in the hallway and I woke up in a fit of disgust, indignation and fear.

When I looked up the meaning of dog dreams, it said that dogs represent emotional protection and security.  More specifically though, pitbulls are associated with over protection.  I interpret this to mean that I tend to be overly protective of my feelings and emotions (eerily accurate). I am constantly vigilant of how a particular person or situation will affect me emotionally.  I am often frustrated and disappointed when I feel as if other's disregard or invalidate these feelings (as in the case when my friend dismissed my fears in the dream).  The location of the dream is symbolic.  My old room houses intense memories and unresolved emotional conflict.  The fact that my mother slept through the entire ordeal is meaningful on multiple levels.  In spite of the threat I faced, I still felt the need to protect her at risk of my own emotional and physical security. Wow.

Note: Ironically, I was helping the same friend research Sigmund Freud and dream interpretation before I went to bed last night...